Lamentations

I have been a royal pain in the &ss to every one that knows me for the last few weeks. I don’t really know what is wrong with me other than simple life stresses starting to ware me out. I am just so tired all of the time… I slept for 13 hours last night and I am exhausted this morning at the thought of another day and week staring me in the face.

I thought that I had all of this handled but it keeps creeping back up on me.

I feel so manic all of the time, I can start the day out sick to my stomach I am so tired, swing up to feeling that I could take on an army in the afternoon and then plummet into the depths of despair by dinner time. I have tried mixing up my diet, not drinking any alcohol, quitting coffee, exercising, not exercising… everything that I can think of.

I think that the thing that bothers me the most is that when I am on top of my game I am really on top of it. I mean, I am freaking amazing in the amount of stuff that I can get done and the people that I can motivate and the life that I can lead. I want to be that way all of the time no matter what but I can’t seem to break the code.

The People I Left Behind...

I am finally coming to a place where I think that it is time for me to make contact with the people of my past. Some I have hurt some have hurt me. Some I have let down, some have let me down. Some of them I simply left in the lurch with no real answer to why I fell of the face off the earth.

When I look back over my short life of 25 years I see that I have been really quite restless and that, I believe, is why I have done so many things that were so reckless. Most large decisions in my life to date were made a point of total and complete desperation… I had to do something.

I am trying not to run any more, I am trying not to make decisions in desperation any more. My life is becoming more and more on purpose, I still find that I am moving in a state of restlessness most days. I don’t know why exactly, but I feel restless all of the time.

Anyway, back to the point.

It is time to contact some people that have been very important to me in the past but I have lost touch with and simply say that I am sorry if I caused them any pain, regret or disappointment. I don’t need a restored relationship, all I really need and want is peace of mind knowing that I have made things as right as I can with our current circumstances.

What has been done has been done. If you are one of these people, you know who you are, please accept this blog entry as a formal “I am so sorry if I hurt you” letter from my heart to yours. Please forgive me.

If you want, you can contact me… you can email me through the “Profile” links to the right.

Business

Business is hard. Some weeks I feel like I am on top of my game and no one could stop me. Others, I function like a total looser.

I guess that is the curse that I have bought into by being in the Sales and Marketing world every day of my life... sometimes the numbers stack up in my favor and sometimes I cannot get a sale to save my life, the old numbers game.

Right now I have over 140k in outstanding bids and cannot seem to get any of them off the fence. What is the deal? Some say we are in a recession but can that stop me from working and at least trying to make sales? The Answer is no, all it really means is that I have to work harder than I should have to for less money at the end of the tunnel!

Why can't I break the code and have abundance in my life when it comes to financial success? I work harder, smarter and am more dedicated and committed than 99% of the people that I know. I have positioned myself in such a way to maximize the potential of my efforts (i.e the more leads and sales that I get the more money that I can make... the sky is truly the limit)! What is the challenge here? Am I simply cursed to spend my life in toil and un-fruitful labor? If so I wish that someone would just tell me so I can stop dreaming of the day when I can perhaps spend my life's energy pursuing something other that paying bills and maintaining a positive bank balance!

Oh well, I guess the bottom line is that I will keep working and keep trying and maybe, just maybe, it will pay off down the road.

My So-Called "Mentors"

i woke this morning thinking about all those people in my life who, over the past few years, have become more and more distant. i do not know what the challenge is really. i know that many, many people disagree with my spiritual perspectives, convictions and practices. But, what i don't understand is that despite my continued asking and pleading, none of the so called "mentors" in my life will honestly come to me and help me see the "err" of my ways.

All everyone wants to do is tell me that they think that i am wrong and that i am not in line with the God of the Bible but they refuse to come to me and actually help me see where i am wrong and what i should change!

i know that i can be abrasive and seem overly confrontational but those weaknesses should not stop those that truly love me from coming to me and helping me to serve God in truth.

i am sick and tired of hearing third and fourth hand that people i love and care about disagree passionately with my lifestyle but don't have the courage to come to me and discus the issues they have with me like an adult. (i am not a monster!)

If you are reading this and you are one of those people please, please, i am on my knees begging you to act like the follower of Christ that you claim to be and help your brother to see the way. i apologize in advance if your feelings get hurt in the interaction with me, for everything that i believe, i believe for what i think is true biblical reasoning and i am passionate about following the Lord Jesus Christ. So i may get a little uptight when we talk about our faiths because it is of paramount importance to me that we know and live by the truth.

Our Current State

A man that has lost an eye or was born blind will spend his entire life mourning his loss and cursing his fate. No man that has two functioning eyes spends his life in dismay over the fact that he doesn't have three…. This shows that we (humanity) have fallen from some higher state of perfection, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

If we, somewhere in our subconscious nature had never known perfection we would not mourn its loss or our current imperfections.

B-Day Thoughts

Today I turn 25... Still so young! Most days I feel twice my age for some reason. i am not saying that i am more mature... just more stressed out than most of my contemporaries. i am not really sure why, other other than the fact that i try more and fail more than the average Joe.

i don't know why i do it to myself really, for some reason i feel like if i am not bighting off more than i can chew on a regular basis than i am not going to ever get ahead of the pack. Maybe i have some sort of sick need to prove to myself that i can land on my feet time after time.

Anyway, my b-day is always a time that i feel weird because people around me want me to feel good and happy about myself and all i do is feel like crap all day because i end up looking at my life and thinking about how much farther down the road i should be if were who i want to be.

i certainly don't feel that i deserve any praise or respect for where i have gotten. That is not to say that i am behind.... i am just not as far ahead of the pack as i feel i should be given the opportunities and relationships that i have been blessed with in my life.

People like my Grandfather, who taught me the spirit of entrepreneurship at a very young age. And my many "pastors" who poured themselves into me counting on me to carry on in advancing the Kingdom of God. And my wife who continually encourages and supports me in everything that i do (and has been doing this for since we were like 14!) My daughters who remind me how great life is every time i look at them. My best friend who has always been right there for me through thick and thin even when i did not do the same for him. My parents who have raised me and taught me so many of life's essentials (not to mention feeding, clothing and otherwise providing for me for 18 long years!)

So many people to appreciate who have supported and helped me and this is all i did with it in 25 years of life?

If you know any of these people you will understand why i beat myself up a little every time i think about it. With these people as a support network i should have conquered the world by now!

New Years Resolutions

i just finished the "2008 Marketing Plan" and "Projected 2008 Sales Goals" for my company and it got me thinking about New Years resolutions.

i have always thought of the whole idea as being asinine but i am slowly starting to change my mind. i think that the biggest problem i have with the whole thing is that people set goals for the New Year but have no plan on how to achieve their new goals... they have no strategy.

This year, i would implore you to treat your life like a business. No business goes into a new season of growth without a plan, any business that fails to set goals and create a plan to actually achieve their goals WILL fail. Over 98% of new business fail within the first year of their life, why, because they don't have a target and they don't have a realistic strategy for hitting their target.

Don't live your life this way. Treat your life like a business, write down a set "sales goals" (i.e things that you personally want to accomplish, become, create etc.) and from that create a"marketing plan" (i.e an exact and strategic plan on how you are going to hit your "sales goals").

So many great business practices should be brought into our personal lives, these are just a couple of them.

Anyway, if your have written goals and you have a plan on how you are going to accomplish them the odds are actually in your favor!

You can be, create and accomplish all that you want to in life if you simply stop walking through it acting like you are blind and ignorant. - Josh Lanier

The Truth Behind The "I"

When on a mission trip to China a few years back I was deep in conversation with a student on a college campus... I was teaching him to write a sentence in English that involved the use of "I".

After we had finished, he made an observation of Americans vs. the Chinese that I will never forget. He told me that in Chinese they always use lower case letters when referencing themselves in writing, it is a form of humility and respect for the person(s) that the writing is addressing. His comment to me was, "are Americans really so proud that they consider themselves better than even those that they are writing to? It could be a state official or their best friend or a parent or someone that they have never met, do they simply assume that they are better than that person?"

It is true, in a way, if you are not proud to be an American your not one. Well, from now on when I can get away with it, i am going to use the lower case "i" to refer to myself.

Whenever you see an "i" in my writing please take note that i respect you, i value you and i am here to serve you as your friend, son, brother, husband, father, co-worker or simply a fellow human.

Old Friends

I have to confess something; I have a love/hate relationship with Social networking sites.

The reason, I guess I don't really understand the word "friend". In my book friends are people who you would trust with your life or the lives of your family. A friend is someone that you want to be at every major/minor event of your life. A friend is someone that you want to share your heart with, your dreams with and your passions with. A friend is someone that you cry with, laugh with and mourn with.

I have been blessed to have many people that I would consider my friends. The problem that I have is that I apparently was not considered a friend of theirs and that is why I love Social Network sites; they point out that some people are not actually your friends. Sure, they will add you to their "friend" list but all you really are to them is a number on a page that they can brag about.

9 times out of 10 when I send comments or otherwise try to get in touch with old friends that I still care deeply about they either respond with one cold message or completely ignore my attempts to re-kindle the relationship.

I have never considered myself to that pest of a friend that people just put up with.... but I guess I am, or maybe people just "put up" with all their friends. I don't know.

What I do know and what these sites have made exceedingly clear to me is that I have a totally different definition of what a friend is.

My current disposition is that I offered my hand in true friendship and I have spent countless hours and un-measurable amounts of love and energy pouring myself into people who are, in the end, nothing more than users. They take and can't/won't give back or even offer gratitude.

I sound bitter I know, but the truth is I am simply incredulous at those "old friends" of mine. And I am coming to grips, slowly but surely, that "old friends" is really all that they are, no longer true friends.

You think you know someone, you think that you are equally committed. But hey, friends by the worlds definition are a dime a dozen so go ahead and abandon people who no longer have the energy to fill you and go suck someone else dry!

What Makes You Tick?

I have been thinking a lot lately about why I do what I do, what makes me tick? Why do I keep getting up in the morning? What drives me to keep going after my goals and dreams? Why don't I just give it up and settle for the status quo? Why can't I seem to quit?

It is like no matter what I cannot break through and really achieve the life that I am after but I can't stop pursuing it either... what is that?

When I look around the world I see a whole bunch of people who have successfully given up. They have settled in into life as it is and apparently don't desire more out of it. How is that done? What gives people the ability to give up on their dreams and be so happy to do it?

I have to believe that at one point everybody around you had dreams and goals that they were striving to achieve and become and "be". Those things are a vital part of life as we know it, they are one of the things that separate us from the animals. We have the ability to dream of what could be instead of just accepting what is.

Maybe that is why I can't stop; because I value my dreams, they are a part of me. They are so deep a part that I feel like if I gave up on them I would become no more than an animal acting on nothing more than instinct and doing nothing more than responding to the world around me.

What are your dreams? What have you given up on? What are you still striving for despite the fact that it may never come to fruition?... What makes you tick, dreams or instinct?